This past couple of weeks It really has opened up my eyes. I’m starting to see who is real and who is fake. At first I thought my friends where there for me and we were all becoming closer. Wow was that a fucking disappointment. My “friends” are dropping one by one. No that I want to loose them but I have been treated like shit I thought I was so close to her but she just screwed me over time after time from one of them. Another I trusted so much and told so many things to and thought he would be there when I needed to talk but no I’m just being ignored. I won’t complain about that I don’t wanna be a bother. The third one she just is growing distant I try to make plans and talk to her but she just dislikes me she doesn’t even seem like she wants to be my friend. The fourth friend she is so nice an I love her as a person but she needs to be with her BF right now and have a relationship with him and she has things she needs to care about more than what’s going on with me, I want to be her friend but it’s just people in her life are more important than I will ever be and that’s ok that’s perfectly fine but I don’t need to be in the way. The only people I can really trust is Jess, Sarah and Isabelle I can always count on them and know they are always there to listen and always help me when I am feeling low. I don’t really know how to go to school tomorrow I will try to keep my head up and remember the real from the fake!
fuck all i can say is fuck. so many emotions today. more than i can explain. im trying to make everyone around me happy i am trying to please people. people want to hang out with me and i really really want to hang out with them. but my parents are isolating me they dont want me going out to peoples houses or going somewhere without them or alone. its not fair that i can not because i get they wanna protect me and want the best for me. but i cant stay home all the time for the rest of my life. they cant stop me from having fun and living my life it just isnt right. i mean apart of me is also scared to hangout with people but i dont want to loose my friends. i feel like they are all slipping away. maybe its a sign im no good for them. But i wanna hangout with them im tierd of sitting in my room all alone letting the thoughts and memories pour in my head. they are just pouring and pouring and soon i am going to drown.
I can’t not believe it has been one month without Kristjan. The time is going by so fast. Just thinking it’s been a whole month just doesn’t seem real to me. I still remember his warm hugs and his smile and all the things he said to me. I wish things could just be Different. I just don’t understand why did he go that night. Why? Why? Why couldn’t he just have stayed home, it was so late too late to ride his bike so far away. WHY COULDN’T HE JUST STAYED HOME. A part if it is my own fault because I should have just hung out with him, I should have never told him it was okay to go even if I wasn’t. I wish no one invited him over there because then he would still be here. But truly the only person to blame is the person who did this to him. I still remember the first ever text Kristjan sent me. ” you are SOO cute”. I wish the cops would give me back my phone with all my texts to him on it. I would love just reading them over and over again and relive our conversations. I see all these happy couples and all the things they do together and I can’t help but think that could have been me and him. If I were there that night I would have taken that bullet for him and that is the truth. And I would not have let him just lay there hurting on the ground I would have tried to help him and hold him. I had so much hope and I prayed every night that he would pull through and wake up and get better and come back to school and things would be alright. But for some fucked up reason god took him away. I have no real reason why. All I know is that I will do anything to be with him. I’m Glad people are moving on and being happy I really am glad they have something to latch onto and go on with life. But is different for me I have no closure I have no answers I have nothing to look forward to. I don’t have anyone I can talk to and I don’t want to bother people. I just feel like I’m a huge bother and I bring people down because I am so depressed and no one deserves that. So I’m just going to leave them alone. School ends in two months so I can really leave. I won’t have to see anyone anymore I will just sit home and think. I know my friends all don’t want to hangout with me and that’s ok I wouldn’t blame them. Because instead of getting better I am getting worse. Tears just fill my eyes because every damn second of the day I am thinking of him. I was so in love with you Kristjan I really really was and I would do anything for you I hope you see this and read it I really hope you do from heaven. I sometimes feel like you are gonna come back to life and be with us. I think that will happen all the time but I need to realize you are not coming back. But I still can’t accept it because you mean so fucking much to me Kristjan and I can never leave that behind I love you I still do and in my head we are still together and you are always right next to me.
I wish people wouldn’t tell me things because then I feel so guilty not telling others when they should know. I need to be alone for the rest of my life. I will be alone for the rest of my life. I will never be good enough. The only thing that kept me going and made me feel good as a person was Kristjan and now he’s gone and I’m going to be with him really soon I just know it!!! It’s funny because even before I was so depressed and no one saw it and they I got happy with Kristjan and now after everything I got worse. It’s easier for me to inflict pain on the outside to stop the internal pain, this is what I need to be doing so I won’t break on the outside. If I break within no one will see and then I wouldn’t have to worry about people constantly hounding me to be happy. I don’t think anyone truly understands that I can not be happy, it’s just a simple fact I can not be happy there is nothing anyone can do or say that will make me happy. It is what it is and there is no going back. I just wish I could run, just run and run for miles and end up somewhere where no one can find me or know what I am doing. Maybe that way I can finally be with Kristjan or find a sense of what I am or who I have become without him. To some people death seams like such a scary thing or an easy way out. But to me death is something that can happen so quickly and it is nothing to be scared of when it comes to yourself. If you are so unhappy and you know there is nothing here for you on earth but much more in heaven than death isn’t so bad. Is it?
Not a single text or call nothing from my “friends” just me talking to myself once again. Maybe it is better that no one contacts me and I don’t try to contact others. I think I am just too upset and depressing to be anyone’s friends. I am better off alone and most definitely they deserve to be happy and not have to deal with me. All of them have already moved on and forgotten that is ok though they don’t need it in their lives they all have things that make them happy and they don’t need me bringing them down. Plus I don’t want any pity because there is not a god damn thing anyone could do to turn my shit life better.
I am sitting her in my living room looking out side. It’s such a nice day out I reminds me of when Kristjan and Antonio rode there bikes to my house. They were standing right in my direction. I remember going outside and right away Kristjan hugged me and held me the whole time. I wish I could just go back in time and relive it all. Not knowing that was the last time I would ever see him still doesn’t seem real to me. Kristjan asked me to ride his bike because he thought I couldn’t ride one but he would teach me. I just want to go to heaven just to be with him. I wanna be able to talk to him I want to hug him again I want to see his smile I wanna hear his voice I want everything to go back to normal and him to be here right now. Why is it so hard for him just to come back to us. He needs to be living I can’t face the reality he will be gone forever.
I keep watching the video of you the day that it happened and you were at dunkin. you were so happy and smiling and laughing. One of my biggest regrets is not going to dunkin when you asked me too or hanging out that day with you. All you wanted to do was come to my house and hang out but I said no because I was so stupid and selfish. It makes me want to cry knowing I can’t go back in time and change the fact that I should have spent more time with you, now I just sit home alone wondering what you thought of me :-(
"How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you?"
For a moment I thought I was happy and but then everything came to a realization. A million thoughts pound in my head. I wanted so hard to hang out with friends today and was looking forward to it but I could not force myself to face people. I don’t want to be physically in front of my friends right now I’m afraid of what they think of me. I am afraid their perspective of me has changed so they will no longer want to be my friend. I’m so scared of loosing people I am so terrified of it. I want to avoid it at all cost. I’ll just sit home for the the next three days contemplating how I will present myself to them on Tuesday so they do not hate me. I have to watch everything I say. I will just run to home room and hide so that I don’t have to talk to them I will walk alone to first period I will sit out at gym so that I don’t have to face “K”. I will hide in the bathroom during lunch I will be the first one to all my classes. I will try so had not to be noticed!!
Why can’t I just die why why why I dont deserve life I always mess things up and ruin peoples lives. Why couldn’t it of been me who got killed not Kristjan. He was such a good person to everyone and he was so kind and had so much going for him and everyone loved him. He deserves to be here right now because he would be happy living his life to the fullest. I don’t I am to unhappy and I am better off dead than here living life because there is nothing here for me. god I just fucking wish he could come back. I would do anything for him to be here right now.
I have come to the conclusion that everything I once cared for and had is gone. I have nothing. No one who truly understands what life has become for me. It has become an endless black hole that I can not come out of, with nothing surrounding me everything is falling to pieces and I am no longer good enough for anyone, I can’t be the good daughter who does things right when needed to I am nothing but a disappointment to my family, they could care less about me I know that this is true because they don’t understand what is happening to my life. So I have to act like I am alright and everything is fine so they don’t hate me more. So I sit and I sit and let the thoughts run in my head and try to forget all the memories I once had, I try to act like they didn’t happen I try to act as If I don’t give a fuck for them. I’m acting and I’m acting maybe if I act hard enough I will soon believe it too and that will be the platform of my life.
Of course I know I have like 2 people I really trust and know who are there for me. but it is so hard to trust people especially when someone I cared for as a friend and was nothing but nice to screwed me over. And that friendship almost screwed up another with out me noticing. I know I am alone because I am the only one who listens to me. I don’t want to go back to school I don’t want to face people I no longer have the energy to try. I have given up on everything. Given up trying to be nice given up trying to make new friends given up on all hope of reality given up on the future. I just want to lock my self in my room and try to figure things out although I don’t think I will ever be able to. I also feel a numbness in my life. Sometime I cry and sometimes I laugh but it’s not real. The reality is I sit in my room with no emotion just thinking and thinking letting my thoughts slowly kill my brain. Maybe this is what I deserve there has to be reason why. Idk what I ever did but I must have done something that resulted in me losing the one person I loved with my whole life and it also resulted in me loosing my “friends”. I don’t know what to say to anyone anymore I try my hardest to help but sometimes it doesn’t work. If only Kristjan could just come back and help me and make things better. If only he could come back to life and be with me so I can be happy again and me and him could do all the things he planned for us, then life would be worth living.
Sometimes I think to my self how can I be better for others. How can I be prettier, how can I act so people will want to be my friend. I’m so lost with not only life but myself as a person. I can’t seem to move on from things. It so incredible to think if just one thing never happened in your life maybe things would be fine. The saddest part is nothing will ever go back to normal. The hardest part about every little situation is that you can’t go back in time to change them. Knowing that kills me slowly at all times…..